Christmas And Punching John Elway In The Nuts

We’re heading into the holiday season and that makes me happy.  It’s the time of year where people don’t look at me like I’m crazy when I can walk down the street in my Christmas sweater, smelling of Gingerbread with that red & green decorative sugar in my hair.  They look at me like I’m crazy because I’m not wearing pants and usually babbling excited incoherent sentences involving the words “sugarplums” and “FrankenBerries.”  (Hey, you make Christmas treats your way, I’ll make them mine)  I’m a big Christmas fan, folks, and I won’t apologize for it.  I also won’t apologize for punching John Elway in the nuts if I ever meet him.  Still pissed about 1986...and 1987...and 1989.  Jackass.  

Back to Christmas.  

In all seriousness, this year I’m making a vow to give something every day between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Will you join me?  It doesn’t have to be something you buy, it can be a kind word, a hug, or a  simple “Dude, you have something in your teeth.”  Since I became a father I’ve learned that giving is way better than receiving around Christmas.  Will you join me?  Will you at least remove your pants in public?  I don’t want to be the only one pantsless at the Rockefeller Center Tree lighting...again.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or at the aforementioned tree lighting ceremony.

...pokes rhymes with jokes...

Russian President Dmitry Medvedev will sign agreements to help build Vietnam's first nuclear power plant, and President Obama said he didn’t understand the move.  Medvedev replied “I do not expect you to understand, Mr Bond...I mean Mr Obama, I expect you to die!”

A Russian cargo ship delivered a healthy Halloween treat of fresh fruit to the crew of the International Space Station today.  As is the custom when receiving anything other than candy on Halloween, the astronauts will hurl the fruit at Russia’s house on their next pass.

Citizens of Peru were offended by a Columbian character on “Modern Family” last week, who claimed her country was civilized, not like “a bunch of Peruvians!”  The citizens released a statement that read “This type of slur is unacceptable against our wonderful country.  I mean, it’s not like we’re a bunch of savage Bolivians or something.”

Ron Howard says he will not cut a gay joke from the film “The Dilemma.”  Howard says he is prepared for backlash from the gay community, as well as the whoopin’ he may take from Aunt Bea.

A recent mouse study has revealed a cancer cell “escape route.”  Reportedly, the route goes through the maze, over the mini-suspension ridge and through the red plastic tube, then escapes through the cheese. OR A joint protest about why all of the research funds are going to mouse studies was organized by Al Sharpton and a Mister D. Duck.

Dianne Feinstein has denounced Prop 19 - the marijuana legalization measure - as a “dangerous experiment.”  Feinstein should not be hurt by this, since she made the declaration on a Saturday morning when most Prop 19 supporters are watching cartoons.

Security forces discovered “explosive packages” in Yemen yesterday.  Misunderstanding the press release, over 50,000 men in West Hollywood reportedly registered at DateInYemen.com.  

A judge in New York has ruled that a six year old can indeed be sued.  Stay tuned to this page for updates on the newly filed case “Stephen Thomas v Screaming Brat On American Airlines Flight 384 Who Kicked The Back Of My Seat For Nine Hours.”

Vikings receiver Randy Moss was fined $25,000 this week for not speaking to the media.  In retrospect it was a smart move, as Moss has been fined WAY more in the past for saying stupid things to the media.

The latest Miss World is from The United States.  The winner cried as she was crowned, and other contestants smiled broadly and hugged her while whispering words under their breath that rhyme with “bitch.”

Yemeni police arrested a woman in connection with the terror plot yesterday.  She was arrested not for making or mailing the bombs, but for being a woman who drove them to the post office without a male escort. 

Betty White recently told Parade magazine that she likes older men.  She was later arrested for necrophilia.  

A new study say that chronic constipation is increasing among children.  Researchers published the findings in a paper titled “No Shit.”

U.S. Representative Michele Bachman is proposing a Constitution class for all newly elected members of Congress.  No word on whether Congressman Turner or Senator Overdrive will help her take care of business.

The U.S. Post Office said it will not accept or deliver any mail from Yemen, due to the attempted terror attack.  They also said they probably won’t deliver any mail from Nebraska either, but that’s just because they’re the post office.

Hurricane Shary is passing to the east of Bermuda.  Bermuda is pretending not to notice, as he used to date Shary and it ended badly.

In the fallout from the Yemeni terror plot, we’ve learned that there is a plant in Yemen that keeps a person high for up to six hours at a time.  Uhh..so why are they so pissed, again?  OR Knowing this, the U.S. Military is launching “Operation Scooby Snack” in Yemen.

Rebels in the Central African Republic have abducted twenty-one census agents updating voters' rolls for forthcoming elections.  Somewhere, ACORN activists are writing this down...

You're Not NEARLY That Cool, My Friend

Dear Guy Skinnier Than Kate Moss But Still Wearing A Tank Top, Porkpie Hat, And Sunglasses Inside At Night,

You’re a total douche.

Sincerely,

Everyone

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or at the weekly meeting of the SoCal Streakers Club.

...today’s jokes best read on an empty stomach and with no pants...

Morocco has suspended the operations of the Al-Jazeera television news channel in Rabat and withdrawn the accreditations of its staff.  Somehow, the far more horrible Style Network is still in operation there.

Several Italian surgeons were sentenced to jail for performing numerous unnecessary surgeries on unsuspecting patients.  For the next six to ten years, they’ll get to perform numerous veeeerrry necessary rectal penis-ectomies.  Bon Voyage, jackweeds.

Bad news: Seventy-seven current delegates to the Navajo Nation Tribal Council are charged with offenses including theft and fraud in the use of tribal funds.  Good news: The Navajo Casino announced two-for-one Giant Shrimp Cocktails!!!

A new study says that factors other than low testosterone can cause male sexual problems, including erectile dysfunction.  Among the other problems listed are nagging, flannel nightgowns, and spotty internet connection speeds.

Kendrick Meek has denied that he will drop out of the Florida Senate race.  However, Meek was vague when asked if he still planned to inherit the Earth.

The Social Security numbers, grades and other personal information of more than 40,000 former University of Hawaii students were posted online earlier this year and not removed until this week.  Worst of all, nearly 20,000 were rated poorly on Karen Owen’s power-point presentation at Duke.

The Chief White House Photographer has released a list of his favorite shots of the President.  Not surprisingly, the top three were “Obama and the Swedish Bikini Team (*Not pictured: Obama)” “Barack and the National College Cheerleading Champions (*Not pictured: Barack)” and “Mr. President & MIss October (*Not pictured: Mr President).”

Verizon has agreed to pay a $25 million fine for “spurious fees” it charged to consumers over the past few years.  Verizon also announced a $1.99/month new “Spurious Fees Fee” for all new accounts.

Makeup giant Estee Lauder saw their net income rise an unexpected 36%.  In a related story, Askmen.com magazine readers reported a 36% increase in “nailable chicks” at bars.

A new study in Japan finds that Green Tea does not offer protection from breast cancer.   The study also says Green Tea does not offer protection from Mothra or Godzilla.

Delaware Senate candidate Chris Coons has strongly condemned the Gawker.com article about Christine O’Donnell, calling it “cowardly.”  Coons went on to say “I can be this gracious because I’m thirteen points ahead.”

Justin Beiber will premiere his new music video during Game Three of The World Series.  In other words, Game Three will be the lowest rated World Series game ever.

After a security threat on an airliner, officials are examining “suspicious packages” in the US.  So far they’ve examined Russell Brand and Ron Jeremy, and are reportedly en route to Tiger Woods’ house.

Good news: Authorities have thwarted a terrorist plot involving suspicious packages of ink toner being shipped from Yemen aboard cargo planes.  Bad news: I can no longer order my inexpensive Yemeni ink toner online.

North and South Korea exchanged gunfire across their heavily armed land border on Friday, raising tension in the region.  Even worse, over 1,000 orders of MuShu Pork were delivered late, causing refunds and discounts that could cripple both economies.

An Amtrak train has struck a pedestrian in Anaheim, CA.  The news shocked the local community, who were apparently unaware Amtrak is still in operation.

Iran announced it is ready to hold its first talks with world powers about its disputed nuclear program any time after November 10.  It also announced it will test-fire its first nuclear missile November 9.

A huge hole tore open the fuselage of a commercial airliner shortly after taking off from Miami.  Why Courtney Love was so angry, and what caused her to direct her violence at the fuselage, is a mystery.

Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton's spokesman sent a birthday greeting to the president of Iran.  The president was disappointed she didn’t follow Bill’s advice to get him a stripper-gram.

Scientists say countries around the world must team up to help prevent an asteroid from slamming into Earth.  The also say we must work together to prevent attacks by giant Centipedes and crazy barrel-wielding monkeys.

BREAKING NEWS: A John Lennon coin is being minted in the UK, and competing prison gangs are using the coins to buy and sell Mark David Chapman as a prison bitch.   Initial reports say Jodie Foster is extremely impressed.

Randy Travis and his wife-manager Elizabeth Travis have divorced.  Apparently old women no longer sit and talk about old men. Amen.

Houston Texans owner Bob McNair ordered a sweep of the locker room to make sure none of his players are using banned substances.  No substances were discovered, but they did find a bunch of Hustler’s, three Thai “massage therapists,” and a fifty-five gallon drum of Astro-Glide.  OR No substances were found, but they did find twelve illegal immigrants living in one of the unused lockers.

Brett Favre is listed as questionable for Sunday.  For Saturday and Monday, Favre is listed as selfish and completely batshit crazy.

The Motley Fool has released a list of five ways to save time and money on holiday shopping this year.  Not on the list is my #1 tip: On November 4, call all of your family and friends vulgar names.  Then you don’t have to buy them anything.

Hopping Around Mad In The Dander

There are relatively few things that get me hopping mad, mostly because I don’t like hopping.  Up and down, up and down, there seems little point.  I’d rather sit in a chair with a Macallan and no pants while listening to Sinatra, it brings me great joy.  That being said, I do get my dander up on occasion.  Cruelty towards the mentally challenged gets me frosty pissed, as does pseudo-intellectual arrogance, anyone intentionally upsetting my wife and daughter, and the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Other than that there’s not much that I consider dander-raising worthy.  Why am I writing about this?  Well, for six more days we have to endure idiots telling us how stupid we are for not agreeing with them politically on every minute point in the universe.  I’d like to punch them in the nuts, because - and I want everyone out there to hear this - ALL of them in DC are lying, thieving scumbags.  Cheerleading for “your side” doesn’t make you open minded, it makes you even stupider than those you profess to be stupid.  THAT level of maladjusted moron being manipulated makes me hopping mad.  Well..I’m still not hopping, because I have no pants.  Hopping might hurt...things.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or by hopping up and peeking through my bedroom window.

...jokey joke jokertons follow...

The New York Mets have hired Sandy Alderson as their new General Manager.  Showing their usual patience, Mets fans flooded the radio airwaves with calls this morning, asking why he hasn’t won a game yet and demanding his resignation.

The Hollywood Walk Of Fame will bury a time capsule today.  Experts say that when opened in fifty years, the Lindsay Lohan items included should still hold 80% of their medicinal value.

Good news: Garth Brooks will play a benefit concert for flood victims in Tennessee.  Bad news: Brooks doesn’t see the irony of opening a flood benefit with “Friends In Low Places.”

Volcanoes on Russia’s Kamchatka Peninsula erupted and spewed massive clouds of ash and smoke into the air.  This was first reported by Sarah Palin, who saw the Russian eruptions from her house.

New Jersey Devils defenseman Matt Corrente has suffered a broken left hand.  This puts him at a distinct disadvantage in hockey, as his opponents know in advance that every punch will be a right.

New reports say parents are worried their kids are spending too much time online, and barely know how to interact face to face anymore.  This according to an email I received this morning titled “FW:FW:You HAVE To Read This! FW: Gr8t 4 Prnts! FW:FW:”

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon have announced they are expecting a baby.  I’d like to be among the first to congratulate them on their future child star turned problem teen turned Where Are They Now Entry turned B-movie comeback turned drug rehab resident turned Dancing WIth The Stars Season Fifty-Two contestant.  Mazel Tav!

General Motors and Chrysler announced plans to invest millions of dollars in U.S. plants to build new small cars. Two hours later, General Motors and Chrysler announced recalls on those cars for faulty brake wiring.  

China's panda population is booming this year thanks to a record number of births in captivity.  Chinese authorities seem unconcerned that an inordinate amount of the Panda cubs are making noises that sound like “Giggity Giggity!”

Two Civil War-era dolls thought to have been used to smuggle medicine past Union blockades were X-rayed Wednesday, but no drugs or remnants of drugs were found.  Authorities would not comment on the rumor that they did find fingerprints matching Charlie Sheen.

Some of the country's businesses who emit large amounts of heat-trapping gases are keeping secrets about exactly how much they pollute, and it has members of Congress fighting mad.  This according to a Congressman who requested anonymity, while leaking the information after a secret closed-door off-the-record meeting on the Hill about this and other topics that can’t be discussed.  He then got into his donated Jaguar and headed to his private jet for a fact-finding week at a secret caribbean location.

The original document with the thirteen rules of basketball, written by James Naismith when he invented the game, is going up for auction December 10.  In a stunning discovery that proves what a visionary Naismith was, one of the thirteen rules says “LeBron James Is A Bitch.”

As auto sales in the country surge, Chinese authorities have agreed to promote electric cars to address the country's intensifying energy and pollution concerns.  Reporting on the story, Anderson Cooper said “This despite the fact that everyone knows electric cars are gay.”

Time travel enthusiasts are claiming there is a woman talking into a cellphone in the background of Charlie Chaplin's 1928 film "The Circus."   The strongest proof has come from lip readers who have seen the clip, and claim the woman is saying “Hello?  Hello..can you...can you hear me?  Mom?  Fuckin’ AT&T!!!  Hello?”

A new study say that too much exposure to the sun and its ultraviolet rays can lead to skin cancer, eye damage and other health problems.  In other news from 1985, Back To The Future topped the box office for the second consecutive week.

Christine O'Donnell has named her campaign manager to the position of treasurer, making him her fifth treasurer since launching her bid for Senate last year.  O’Donnell said she hopes the two can work together and finally get their hands on those Ruby Slippers.

Michelle Obama said in a recent interview that adults can help address the problem of bullying if they lead by example.  She then challenged adults to do so, saying “Come on, what are you, scared?  A big scaredy cat?  Huh?  I’ll kick your ass if you don’t lead by example, bitches!  Come on!  Lead!  (chanting) Adults are chiiiicken...adults are chiiiicken!”

The death toll in Indonesia has topped 400, making it the second worst disaster of the week.  The biggest?  Journalistic integrity at Gawker.

College tuition costs are rising again this fall.  Apparently the elite of academia, who regularly lecture the citizens of a country with 10% unemployment about “cutting back” and our responsibilities to “give back to the community,” can’t continue in their lifetime tenured positions without a cost-of-living raise.

Sleepy, Hot & Sticky Is No Way To Go Through Life, Son

I’m tired.  Not Charlie Sheen tired, but pretty tired.  Long travel day yesterday (see “Flaming Buttcrack Mexico” post below) and a tiring day today as well.  It started slow due to a lack of sleep; I find it difficult to sleep in hot places. (Note to hotels in Mexico: If you don’t actually turn the air conditioning to “ON,” then it doesn’t really matter much, does it?)  So waking up dewy I decided to take my revenge.  You give me no AC, then charge for horrible wifi and rancid in-room coffee, you get back sticky sheets and towels.  That’s the deal.  Pray I do not alter it further.  For Halloween I’m going as a slutty office supply lady.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or at www.hunglikeawildebeast.com.  One of them is a pay site.

An Alaska judge granted a temporary restraining order against handing out names of write-in candidates at polling places.  So now drunk college guys who want to vote for “Seymour Butts” and “Ivana C. Yerbush” will have to remember all on their own.

World War Two bombs have reportedly been found on the Galapagos Islands.  No one is sure how the studio reels from “1941” and “Pearl Harbor” got there.

TV commercials have been shortened in time and contracted in information, to match the waning attention spans of most viewers.  Then I ate a corn dog.

As deaths from Cholera continue to grow, Africa has launched a full-scale anti-polio campaign.  Thus proving that governments the world over know exactly how to react to a specific crisis.

The federal government has set up a security zone around the site of the BP oil rig that exploded and sank in the Gulf of Mexico.  In a similarly timed move, Chicago authorities are setting up a security zone around the barn that held Mrs. O’Leary’s cow.

A new poll shows that women will vote for a male candidate who shares their political ideology, rather than voting for a female candidate simply because she’s a woman.  The poll also shows that men will vote for a male candidate who shares their ideology, unless the female candidate has a really nice rack.  OR Women polled in new Jersey said they would also vote for a male candidate over a female who could turn them into a Newt.  OR  Women also said they wouldn’t vote for a female if the candidate was a cheerleader back in high school, had a purse or pair of shoes the voter couldn’t afford, or looked even a little bit like the voter’s mother-in-law.

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie will stick to is decision not to build a train tunnel connecting his state to New York City.  In response to the news, joyous New Yorkers planned a ticker-tape parade.

A new government report says the U.S. Government agencies spending the most in Afghanistan can't easily show where their money goes.  You know, as opposed to U.S. Government agencies here at home, where domestic spending is strictly tracked and completely transparent.

An Australian man is being taken to court after reportedly tattooing a 16-inch penis on his friend's back after an argument.  The lawsuit claims the man actually asked for a “two foot pianist.”  OR The plaintiff says he specifically asked for the 16-incher to be tattooed over his actual penis.

Heineken reported that 3rd quarter earnings rose, while Sherwin-Williams reported earnings were flat for the same period.  So we can assume that college students and teens are moving back to binge drinking and away from huffing paint!  USA! USA! USA!  OR Online porn connoisseurs rejoiced at the news, as it will mean more naked shots of laughing drunk hot chicks, and fewer of those dope-thin girls with that glazed “OK here’s my ass, now can I have my drugs?” look in their eyes.

A federal judge said Connecticut voters can wear WWE garb to the polls, ruling that it could not be considered political advertising for Republican Senate candidate Linda McMahon.  The judge did, however, rule against allowing campaign workers to hit voters over the head with folding chairs within seventy-five feet of a polling place.  OR The judge issued a statement saying “If they’re wearing WWE stuff in public - on a weekday - what are the odds they’ll be near a voting place anyway?”

Facing a nationwide shortage of a lethal injection drug, Arizona will get their supplies from another country.  They reportedly sent state representatives to “Sheen-Ville” to stock up on every drug known to man.

Good news: MySpace has revamped its format and say it will now focus on entertainment.  Bad news: The rappers and hookers currently on MySpace are fuming at the competition.

Chevy representatives say their new ad campaign “will draw heavily on our past and our future.”  Excellent idea, since their present-day sucks.

Charlie Sheen says the reports of him trashing a hotel room naked with hookers has been “overblown.”  Sheen claims there was only one hooker, and he was not naked but was still wearing one black sock and a smile.

George Soros’ huge donation reportedly triples the amount of cash on hand for the proponents of a marijuana legalization measure. Soros says they’d have more money if they weren’t budgeting 33% for Doritos.

Seriously, do we need to write any more Joy Behar jokes?  Does anyone even mildly educated pay attention to her?  OK, one more.  Is it me or is she reminding you more and more of Helen Thomas?  The two of them are turning into Patty & Selma Bouvier, the two Crazy Old Aunts in the attic you try and avoid at family reunions.  Joy: Time to retire to Del Boca Vista.

Injured Viking QB Brett Favre said he won’t rule himself out of this Sunday’s game with the Patriots.  Apparently Favre has moved his “will I play or not” waffling to a weekly instead of yearly schedule.

The Washington Wizards will be without Gilbert Arenas for at least the first two games of the NBA season.  Arenas says he’s “going crazy sitting out, I feel like I could just shoot somebody.”

Teenagers spend hours texting, socializing on Facebook and playing video games, and reports say it's driving their parents nuts.  This according to a new Facebook Group “Parents of Teens Who Facebook Too Much: How Do We Stop It?”

Officials are trying to determine what disrupted communication between fifty nuclear missiles and a launch control center at a U.S. Air Force Base.  Unconfirmed reports say it was a software glitch caused by the computer attendant on-duty mistyping a cheat code in Madden 2010.

An Armenian archaeologist has discovered a skirt that is 5,900 years old.  Betty White said “I’ve been looking for that; it’s always in the last place you look!”

*THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR PEOPLE SAY*

I don’t care if she does have a boyfriend, I’m just happy she let me buy her five drinks.

Man, that episode of “Medium” had me fooled right up to the end.

Granola mushroom Hercules dishwasher Clive Owen.

Velveeta In The Buttcrack

So flaming buttcrack Mexico was everything I envisioned and more.  Although I must say that of all the places I thought I’d get nachos with Velveeta, that was not one of them.  I am not kidding, Velveeta.  At “Jerry’s Mexican & Kosher Deli” in Cleveland, I wouldn’t be surprised; heck, I’d expect it there; but in Mexico?  Bite me.  Then to finish the trip off in fashion, Aeromexico destroyed my luggage.  Ripped the handle clean off.  Gracias, bitch.  Speaking of bitches, LeBitch James started his season as Dwayne Wade’s sidekick, chauffeur, and testicle wrangler today.  When the big injury to two of them comes - and it will - we will all giggle heartily.  Some of you don’t think you will, but you will.  For Halloween I’m going as a slutty barista.

See more of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, or on the security tapes from the flaming buttcrack Mexico airport mens room.




***BY THE WAY*** There have been 19 visitors to the blog from Djibouti this week; I'm assuming they're from some of my friends in the military stationed there.  Welcome aboard and THANK YOU to all of you in uniform out there!  I'll be back to tell you more poop jokes sometime, I promise!

...da jokes is now...

Charlie Sheen had a drug-crazed episode in a hotel room.  Brett Favre was in the news.  The sun rose in the east.  Yada yada yada.

Hurricane strength tornadoes in the midwest.  Tsunami’s in Indonesia.  Man, who would have thought Southern California would be the calmest place on the planet?

35,000 people congregated on the campus of Ohio State University last week and roared as President Obama appeared.  However, over 34,000 left when they realized Obama wasn’t there simply to introduce Archie Griffin and the Neutron Man.

BMW has issued recalls for over 150,000 vehicles.  Apparently it was discovered that they in fact do NOT make your penis bigger.

The Jerry Springer Show celebrates its 20th season on the air this Wednesday.  So unlike the Mayans, we here in America can pinpoint the exact date of the end of the Earth.

An Australian man, who has been collecting his belly-button lint every night since 1984 and keeping it in several jars, is now in the Guinness Book Of World Records.  The jars apparently sit on the desolately empty side of his bed where a woman would normally sleep.  OR  Hey married girls, your husbands socks on the floor aren’t looking so bad now, are they?

A new Air Force manual for cyberwarfare describes a shadowy world where anonymous enemies can carry out devastating attacks in seconds and where conventional ideas about time and space don't apply.  The new manual is called “Cousin Eddie And The Hollywood Star Whackers.”

The attorney for “hiccup girl” says she may use the “Tourette’s” defense in her murder trial.  Well, actually he said “My client is considering HEY GO FUCK YOURSELF FUCK SHIT FUCKITY COCK FUCK!”  OR He says they also considered the Prevent Defense, as well as the 2-3 matchup zone, before settling on Tourette’s.

Christine O’Donnell Of The East said recently that she believes prayer has helped raise her polling numbers.  I have nothing against prayer but she’s still down thirteen points.  Might want to try giving Buddha a jingle.  I mean, it can’t hurt, right?  OR If she really wanted to raise poles, she should have done a GQ photo shoot like the chicks from Glee.

The publisher of a Virginia textbook is printing revised editions to correct a passage that wrongly claims thousands of black troops fought for the Confederacy in the Civil War.  Virginia officials say they are unsure how the book, “The Life And Times Of Jimmy The Greek,” got into a classroom in the first place.  

“The Daily Show” host Jon Stewart was voted the most influential man of 2010 by AskMen.com readers.  Frightening as this may be, it’s even scarier when you see that 2nd most influential was Barney Stinson from How I Met Your Mother.  OR Of course, Stewart fell to a distant 2nd when AskMen.com included “boobs” as one of the poll choices.

Paul the octopus, who correctly predicted the winners of this years World Cup, has passed away.  Apparently even octopus’s are bored to death by soccer.  (Fully prepared for the blowback from my European friends on this one.)

Just over half of private small company executives expect employees to steal something of value within the next year.  So you have about a 49% chance of getting a free stapler!  OR This proves one thing: Just over half of private small company executives have been paying attention.

The city of Detroit, Oregon may change its name in an attempt to attract more tourists.  Some of the names town officials are considering are “Cash Laying Around Town, “Free Weed-Burg,” and “Orgasm-ville.”

Environmental group WWF published a report saying that previously unknown species are being discovered in the Amazon rainforest at a rate of one every three days.  Some are skeptical, as many of the “newly discovered” species look like frogs or cows wearing Groucho Marx glasses.  OR Sadly, many of the new species are immediately destroyed in a WWF steel-cage death match.

Less than halfway through his first term, President Barack Obama has appointed more openly gay officials than any other president in history.  Not surprisingly, the White House drapes and duvets are FABULOUS!

Food Network star Paula Deen has been named grand marshal of the 2011 Rose Parade.  Consequently all parade floats must now be deep fried and dipped in butter.