Daily Monologue Jokes 9/21

As possibly the most respected member of the White House Press, I'd like to say something:  There are occasions where public nudity is acceptable.  Go ahead, argue with that.

More of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com or if you install a hidden camera in my bedroom.

Former President Jimmy Carter said in a recent interview that he thought his one term was “very successful.”  Carter went on to compare his term to other successful events, such as “New Coke,” Waterworld, and the Los Angeles Clippers.

Researchers and historians are debating whether Moses actually parted the Nile River instead of The Red Sea.  In other pointless debates that will change nothing, ESPN is debating who will start at quarterback for the Cleveland Browns this Sunday.

A new report says that children without food in the Pakistan floods face death.  You know, as opposed to the children without food in the rest of the world, who face certain Unicorns and skittles falling from the sky.  Who funds these freaking studies?

Cher has announced that she will be ending her Las Vegas show in February 2011.  The two most astounding things about the announcement are that Cher is still alive, and apparently she’s been performing in Las Vegas.

The repeal of the “Don’t Ask Don’t Tell” measure for the military has been blocked by the Senate.  Apparently some in Congress are afraid that those in uniform can’t tell the difference between which is their rifle and which is their gun, which is for fighting and which is for fun.

A new study says that obesity costs the average woman nearly $5,000 per year.  That number nearly doubles if you add in the cost of “Why don’t I have a boyfriend” ice cream.

Italian authorities seized $30 million from a Vatican bank account Tuesday and said they have begun investigating top Vatican officials in connection with a money-laundering probe.  In response to the allegations, the Vatican announced an extra Bingo night per week, and that beginning this Sunday the collection plate will be passed around three times per mass.

Iranian leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty at a speech to the U.N.  He went on to blame food for hunger, clothing for nudity, and in a stunning spark of clarity, he blamed Ben Affleck for the horror of Gigli.

Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell reportedly used more than $20,000 in campaign funds for  personal expenses.  Among the personal expenses listed were rent, travel vouchers, and a monthlong supply of “Eye Of Newt.”

Senate Majority Leader and soon-to-be highly paid member of the lecture circuit Harry Reid said recently that Kirsten Gillibrand, the Democratic senator from New York, is the “hottest member” of the Senate.  Gillibrand responded by saying that while that was sweet, she only likes Reid as a friend, and was sorry if she led him to believe otherwise.  OR Regardless of your political leanings, this is another reason to elect Chirstine O’Donnell in Delaware; we can do better than Gillibrand!  This is America, for crying out loud!  OR Reid later retracted the statement, and senate aides explained that “It was 3 AM and he was seriously beer-goggling.”

Israel has warned that violence will prevail if the current Middle East Peace Talks fail.  In a related story, Hamas released a statement that violence will prevail whether the peace talks fail or not.  

The large gaming convention Gamescom was held this past week in Cologne, Germany.  The event drew nearly a quarter million visitors, including nearly two dozen girls.  The girls had to be evacuated after twenty minutes for their own safety.

*THREE BAD...EUPHEMISMS FOR SEX*

Reciting Some Shakespeare

Sending Santa Down The Chimney

Carbo Loading

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/20

As a respected member of the community, I'd like to thank you all for reading and following my blog.  So if you'll all take a number and begin removing your clothing, I'll get to you in due time.  Ladies first....

CLICK THE FOLLOW BUTTON TO THE RIGHT OF THIS PAGE OR SMALL KITTENS WILL DIE!!!!!

A top economic panel released a report saying that the recession officially ended in June 2009.  The report also said that these are not the droids you’re looking for, we don’t need to see their identification, and the economists can go about their business.  They then moved along.

An online survey found that 68% of men said they would not eat genetically modified Salmon.  However, a similar survey found that 69% of men had no problem stuffing hundreds of dollars into the g-string of a genetically modified woman.  OR The survey also found that 10% of college women would eat the fish, but they had to be really drunk first and you have to promise to turn off the camera.

A U.S.-born Panda Bear has given birth to her eight cub in China.  Zookeepers are now calling her “Octopanda.”  Reality TV and book deal can’t be far behind.

Venezuela recently deported two suspected drug traffickers to the United States.  As is the usual U.S. custom, they were each given jobs immediately; one on the LA City Council, the other at AIG.

Scientists have unveiled a solar powered spyplane that can fly nonstop for five straight years.  Uh...can someone call up there and see if that’s where they put my luggage?  OR Well, they say it’s a nonstop flight, but really you have to connect in Denver.

A man accused of killing his wife is using a new legal defense in his trial.  The man claims that “caffeine insanity” caused him to commit the crime.  In a related story, the line of married guys in the Starbucks drive-through by my house is now over a mile long.

Reports say that the Utah wildfire is beginning to shrink in size.  Well of course, after the hottest part there’s always a little shrinkage...especially if you throw cold water on it.

Three hundred Chinese workers have been punished for participating in Karaoke.  Officials explained that it wasn’t against company policy or anything, but because every single one of the women sang “Crazy” by Patsy Cline.

A woman has been arrested and officially charged for dumping her cat in the garbage.  “It’s a heinous act,and a terrible waste” said a police spokesperson, “Do you know how many Chinese restaurants could use that cat?”

Moderate Muslims in Macedonia are urging the government and the international community to crack down on radical Wahhabi groups on the rise in the country.  The biggest problem thus far is that when attempting to confront the Wahhabi’s, everyone breaks into full Budwesier commercial “WAHAAAAAAAABIIIII” and giggles for five minutes, thereby allowing the radicals to escape.

Reports indicate that relations between Japan and China are beginning to sour.  Hopefully they can become sweet again soon, so then we can add the pork.  Holy cow is that one bad.

Militants staged several raids on radio stations in Somalia over the weekend.  Oddly, the only items stolen were all of the Katy Perry CD’s.

A warrant has been issued for Lindsay Lohan’s arrest.  When asked for comment, the judge said “I just flew back form Hawaii and for some reason the movie was ‘Freaky Friday’ again.  I can’t take it anymore and I want her locked up.  Wait...did I read somewhere she broke her parole, too?”

This weekend is when the largest percentage of High Schools and colleges hold their annual Homecoming ceremonies.  In a completely unrelated story, financial analysts reported a sharp increase in sales of condoms and Boones Farm Apple Wine.

*FAILED FIRST DRAFTS*

Willy Wonka and the Laotian Wallet Factory

The thrill of victory, Haiku rocks!

Mario Puzo’s “The Third Cousin Twice Removed On My Mothers Side Who Kills People For A Living And Might be In The Mafia.”

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/19

So starting today there's a new reason to click the "follow' button to the right of this page and tell all of your friends.  The "Race To A Million" has begun!  The first person to refer a million followers will win a fabulous prize to be named later!  So get started!!!!

For more giggle-giggle ha-ha visit my website at www.starspangledcomedy.com.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said Sunday that "the future belongs to Iran," and challenged the United States to accept that his country has a major role in the world.  He’s right you know, this is a global village, and every village needs an idiot.

Experts say that the “celebrity factor” has helped boost the increase in gluten-free foods.  They also say that the “celebrity factor” has helped boost the increase in tasteless, crass public acts of stupidity and selfishness.  

Now that it has been exposed, some are calling Joaquin Phoenix’s fake documentary one of the greatest hoaxes of all time.  The film is being put in the upper echelons of fake-outs, along with Sports Illustrated’s “Sidd Finch” April Fools cover story, John Kerry & Bob Dole’s Presidential nominations, and Steve Guttenberg’s acting career.

A recent study says that citizens in Cincinnati, Ohio prefer red cars while those in Boston, Massachusetts prefer green cars.  Surprisingly, citizens of San Francisco, California overwhelmingly prefer hairy men in assless leather chaps.

General Mills is being silent on reports that it is eyeing Yoplait.  Sources indicate that General Mills is waiting to make any statements until  the return of a note it passed to Yoplait in Social Studies, which read “Do you like me? Check Yes or No.”

Aircraft manufacturer Airbus has stated that in the future they would like to build planes with an invisible fuselage, giving passengers the feeling of flying unassisted through the sky.  “It would be an entirely new experience,” said and Airbus representative, “Plus then we’d be able to see chicks in the bathrooms.”  OR  However, Airbus has no current plans for seats that can accommodate a normal sized human butt.

New Jersey Senatorial candidate Christine O’Donnell joked recently that she hasn’t used any witchcraft since high school.  Many of O’Donnell’s high school boyfriends now understand why they were head over heels for such an average looking girl who wouldn’t put out.  Some are considering a class-action lawsuit for the cost of multiple dinners at Applebees, bottles of Boone’s Farm Apple Wine too numerous to count, and the return of their Green Day CD’s.

Kate Gosslin said recently that she needs a bodyguard in Mexico due to her celebrity status.  Uuuh, no Kate, you need a bodyguard in Mexico because... it’s freaking Mexico.  EVERYONE needs a bodyguard in Mexico.

A service called Taping For The Blind, which reads newspapers and popular magazines for those without sight, recently also began reading Playboy.  Volunteers said the most difficult parts were trying to be sexy without being vulgar, and always having a towel on hand for “the yucky after part.”  

Bill Clinton said in a recent interview that President Obama seems to be getting his groove back.  Clinton went on to say “Take it from me though, if he gets grooving for more than four hours, he should consult a doctor.”

A new study at the University of Washington says that the world’s women are far more educated than they were just forty years ago.  They’re very smart....you know....for girls.  OR The study went on to say that if we could just figure out how to lower the craziness quotient by the same amount, theeeen we’d be in business!  OR Hugh Hefner issued a statement supporting the findings, and went on to say women could get even smarter if they all just got bigger boobs and spent more time topless.

The BP well that exploded in the Gulf has finally been completely sealed, after five months of work.  To celebrate the achievement, BP announced they are raising gas prices ten cents per gallon across the board.

Boeing want to fly you into space - having reached a preliminary agreement to sell seats on commercial crew spacecraft to individuals and companies.  While flying at low-earth orbits may sound great, initial reports indicate all flights would still have to connect through Dallas, and would require a return ticket to avoid extra fees.

Star magazine reports that Octomom “is going on welfare and it's going to be very soon.  There's just no choice. She's running out of money and those kids need to eat."  Wow, who would have thought that being a publicity seeking, promiscuous skank would have consequences like this?

FAILED FIRST DRAFTS

If you can’t beat ‘em, use more duct tape

Lions and Germans and peat moss, oh my!

To all the girls I’ve loved before...um...you might want to call your doctor...

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/17-18

I would like to apologize for missing yesterday.  I'd like to, but the clowns in my head are telling me not to do it...they want me to run naked through the public areas of the ship....again.  man, I wish they'd come up with anew idea every so often.  Tell your friends about my blog, or the voices might send me to your house.

After fifty-four yeas, "As The World Turns" airs it's last episode today. In a final shocking twist for it's longtime fans, today's episode features two people who can actually act.

A Pekingese dog from Texas set the record for “world’s longest dog tongue”, measuring 4.5 inches.  Shortly afterwards, 250,000 women anonymously offered to adopt the dog.

Stories about Steve Jobs secretly being a Ninja are still wildly popular among internet viewers.  Far less popular are stories about Jackie Chan secretly creating an iPhone app.

A woman in Washington state who claimed to have had acid thrown in her face has admitted that she actually did it to herself.  It’s the first time in recorded history a woman has wanted people to think she took one in the face when she didn’t.

Reggie Bush said in an interview that giving back his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt.”  In a related story, George Michael said his eight week jail sentence was not proof of guilt either.  In yet another related story, upon hearing the previous statements Charles Manson said “Helter Skelter!  Yakity Yak, Don’t Talk Back! Hey Hey We’re The Monkees!  Come On Eileen!  Buggity Buggity Boo!!”

According to a recent study, 38.7% of women have a low libido or low sex drive, and researchers are saying new drugs are the answer.  I tend to believe the answer might be not dating obnoxious men with bad breath and beer guts.

The media is saying that New York voters, who will choose between Carl Paladino and Andrew Cuomo, are “Faced with a difficult choice for Governer, between an unknown wacko and a known criminal.”  Actually it shouldn’t be that difficult for New Yorkers, they have to choose whether to sit next to a wacko or criminal on the subway every day.

Lindsay Lohan failed her most recent drug test.  Critics say this is proof Lohan hasn’t learned a thing.  Supporters say this is proof of her acting ability and total commitment to her character.

A parade was held in Munich, Germany to celebrate the 200th anniversary of Oktoberfest.  Plans are already being made the hold the parade again next year, since odds are high that no one will remember this year’s event.

Greek police charged two U.S. tourists with desecrating the dead on Thursday after they found six human skulls in their hand luggage at Athens international airport.  “I don’t know what the problem is,” said one of the accused, “It’s not like we had something really dangerous in there, like over 3.4 ounces of toothpaste.”  OR Following the arrest, Delta Airlines added charges of their own, as passengers are only permitted to check up to two human skulls for free.

A recent study says violent video games like "Call of Duty" can help trigger-happy players make decisions faster in real life.  Some examples of real life quick decisions were: A stranger comes around the corner?  Shoot them!  Can’t decide what ice cream flavor?  Shoot the clerk!  It’s Thursday?  Shoot your spouse!

 An intoxicated woman recently stripped completely naked and stole a taxicab she was riding in.  Police reports stated that police who apprehended the woman approached the car slowly and deliberately, since she was packing a pair of loaded 38’s.  had they been 44’s, she might have gotten off with a warning...and several cop phone numbers.

According to a recent study, 76% of French people say they have bad sex lives.  The other 24% reportedly took at least bi-weekly showers.

The devastating floods in Pakistan have revived a decades-old debate about whether or not to build a dam to provide power to the country.  In a related story, the beginning of Oktoberfest has revived a decades-old debate about whether light beer tastes great or is less filling.

A woman is suing her former doctor for allegedly branding is name on her uterus.  In the lawsuit, the woman claims she clearly wanted the brand to say “Born To Have Kids.”  OR ...”Hey Kid, Stop Kicking Mommy’s Bladder.”  OR Apparently the woman was upset because he was supposed to put his name on her left butt cheek.  

Analysis says that it took $111 million of “stimulus” money to save 55 jobs.  Sadly, this is the most efficient government program in existence today.  OR That works out to just over $2 million per job...uum, I’m available if they’re still hiring.

A program in Maryland is putting prisoners to work on a horse farm.  In a related story, nine Maryland prisoners escaped on horseback this past weekend.  

*THREE BAD...SPORTS TEAM MASCOTS*

“The Fighting Areolas”

“The Granola Munching Hippies”

“A Gaggle Of Effeminate Men”

THANKS!

To those of you visiting here from around the globe, thank you!  Latest stats show visitors from Australia, Ireland, Israel, Germany, Canada, and as far away as Ohio!  (wherever that is...)  Anyway, just a thank you...uum..any of you happen to be in positions of "writer hiring authority?"  Just askin'...

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/16

In today's very special episode of "Stephen And The Poop Jokes," Stephen learns the difference between public and private nudity, and which one is societally acceptable.  See the full, unedited nude version of me at www.starspangledcomedy.com, friend me on Facebook, or follow me on Twitter @stephenthomas15.  Send nude photos and I'll follow back.

People are still up in arms about Lady Gaga’s meat dress at the VMA’s.  Man, this is the longest people have talked about someone’s public display of meat since Pee Wee Herman.

Jerry Bruckheimer has had to dispel many rumors about the new installment of the Pirates Of The Caribbean film franchise, which is currently in production.  Among the worst rumors: Davy Jones’ Locker is not actually a locker at the Milwaukee bus station, neither Chad Ochocinco or Snooki are the newest Black Pearl crew members, and Captain Jack and Captain Barbosa do NOT save 15% on their ship insurance by switching to Geico.

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton said recently we may have missed our chance to ram through a Middle East Peace deal.  Later, Bill was overheard at a Delta Delta Delta sorority rush party, saying he’s never missed a chance to ram anything, anywhere.

Members of President Obama’s White House Staff reportedly owe nearly $1 million in back taxes.  Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner was quoted as saying “See, I told you that Turbo Tax was frickin‘ confusing.”  OR The President never, ever, ever should have hired Willie Nelson’s accountants.  OR To help pay the debt, Vice President Biden has proposed nearly $5 million in new government spending.  You know, because we have to spend money to save money.  OR To pay the bill, many House Democrats are proposing tax increases on California businesses.  OR Upon hearing the news, Nancy Pelosi said “Let them eat cake...and bill the taxpayers for it.”

Officials in Taiwan say they need to hire some crossing guards for crabs in their country.  In a related story, officials in Las Vegas need to hire ID checkers for canker sores and bouncers for syphilis.

A new study says that tests for Alzheimer's disease are not 100% accurate.  As far as we can recall.  OR Doctors who misdiagnose the disease are avoiding lawsuits however; they simply say “No, I never told you that, this is the first time we’ve ever run this test,” and the patient can’t argue.

Molly Ringwald is releasing a Jazz album.  Reportedly her jazz quartet is named “Jake Ryan And The Skin Flute Jam.”  OR  Ringwald was quoted as saying “Hey, it was either this or a sex tape, and since Anthony Michael Hall won’t return my calls...”  OR  In a related story, Judd Nelson is releasing a bluegrass album called “Smoke Up Johnnie!” with his band “The Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebies.”  

Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez will be officially unveiled as the new American Idol judges next week.  The two will attempt to fill the void left by Simon Cowell, with Tyler handling the obnoxiousness, and Lopez of course handling the big ass part.

Nick Jonas of The Jonas Brothers turned eighteen today.  So the next time he sleeps with any of his fans, the word “statutory” will be involved.  OR Like the rest of adults in America, Nick now thinks both of his brothers are gay...and he’s not too sure about himself.

A series of hurricanes continue to pound the Atlantic.  Yeah baby...that’s just how the Atlantic likes it...the Atlantic is such a tramp.

The latest airline statistics show a significant improvement in on-time arrivals in summer 2010 over the same period a year ago.  In reaction to the news, Delta immediately instituted a $20 per passenger “on time arrival fee.”

In response to Oprah’s latest audience gift event, Joy Behar announced she was taking everyone who watches her show to Burger King.  In other words, Joy Behar went to Burger King.  Alone.  OR ...Joy Behar announced she would take everyone who watches her show to Paris, France.  Luckily for HLN no one watches Behar, so they saved a ton of cash.

A recent study says that one-third of sex education classes do not mention birth control.  Guys, this would explain why two-thirds of the chicks you shag force you to wear a rubber.  OR Of that one-third, 40% mention “The Stork,” and over half refer to the female genitalia as “The Girl’s Little Hoo-Hah.”

With yet another movie flop on her hands, some are wondering if Jennifer Aniston’s career is over.  Certainly not, if nothing else there’s still a Cinemax soft-porn phase she can go through.  You know, where she can reunite with her two female Friends co-stars.  For some soft porn.  Not that I’m rooting for it or anything.

North Korea has recently hinted that they may be willing to make a deal involving their nuclear weapons.  A recent White House leak says the deal is this:  They give up their nuclear program, and we teach them how to properly pronounce the letter “L.”

*THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR PEOPLE SAY*

I don’t care if she does have a boyfriend, I’m just happy she let me buy her five drinks

Wow, that episode of “Medium” had me fooled right up to the end

They moved me to the maximum security prison wing because I just hug too damn much

Man, I looked all OVER that Willie Nelson concert and just could NOT find any weed

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/15

Do not under any circumstances click the follow button to the right of this page.  it will increase your ability to have an orgasm by 4,000%.  So back off, man.  As always, more of me can be seen at www.starspangledcomedy.com and in the shower.

The latest round of Middle East Peace Talks fell apart recently amid renewed violence in the region.  In other shocking news, men like naked women.

A man was found dead in a bathroom stall at Los Angeles International Airport Terminal Three this morning.  Terminal Three serves Alaska Airlines, which immediately instituted a $25 per ticket “Dead Guy In The Crapper Fee.”

“Mad Men” actor John Hamm said in a recent interview that being a reality TV star is the same as being a porn star.  I disagree; at least porn stars have enough talent to fake an orgasm.

A new study says that women are more likely than men to believe any new climate change research, usually without verification.  That’s not surprising, since women also believe things like “I’m only driving this Corolla because my Porsche is in the shop,” “Sure I’m a doctor,” and “Honey, none of the guys are taking their wives to the conference in Vegas.”

Oprah Winfrey gave everyone in her studio audience a trip to Australia.  In a competing move, Jerry Springer gave everyone in his audience a free full panel of STD shots.

Time Warner Cable is adding eight new pornographic channels to its lineup beginning this week.  In a related story, Time Warner also began a promotion offering new subscribers a free raincoat and TV “sneeze guard.”

President Obama continues to be popular in Europe, with a 78% approval rating.  This is great news for the upcoming midterm election, since he’ll be able to help candidates in the critical districts of...wait....  OR  In a related story, I remain incredibly popular with women who will never ever ever sleep with me.

Hurricane Karl has hit the beaches of Mexico.  Within the first hour, Karl drank six oversized Margaritas, had its hair braided, and bought a giant novelty sombrero that it will never wear again.

Nigerian President Goodluck Jonathan on Wednesday declared his intention to run in elections next January on Facebook.  He then said he had $13.5 million in contributions frozen in a Nigerian bank after he had to flee some violence, and he would give you 25% of that if you send him $500 for his campaign.

Two alleged Illinois drug traffickers were discovered with fifty kilograms of cocaine in their trunk because they parked illegally in the driveway leading up to the Cook County Sheriff's Office.  Maybe it’s just me, but if I had fifty kilos of blow in my car, I’d probably double check the parking signs.

*THREE BAD...STRIP CLUB NAMES*

All Sales Final

Razor Burns

Week Old Sushi

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/14

Whatever you do, don't click the follow button on the right of this page.  It will bring you untold pleasure, and who wants that?

A New York man impersonating a police officer was arrested after he pulled over a real officer who was off duty.  The real policeman became suspicious when the fake cop told him he had “the right to give me $50 or get punched in the nuts.”  Everyone knows it takes WAY more than that to bribe a New York cop.

President Obama has written a children’s book.  He did it in his spare time, since he has everything else in the country so firmly under control and running smoothly.  Apparently he found the time to write it in between vacations, just after his daily hour of Origami and right before his Bikram Yoga class.

The Senate in France has passed a measure that bans face-covering and Burqa’s in public.  Still stuck in committee is the measure requiring deodorant and weekly showers.  OR Initially there was brief resistance to the measure, but it quickly surrendered.

The makers of high fructose corn syrup want to change the name of their product to something sweeter:  “Corn Sugar.”  Well then, I’d like to be known not as a Peeping Tom,” but as a “Nude In The Bushes Secret Photographer.”

A new study says that obesity costs the US economy at least 215 billion dollars a year in medical expenses and lost productivity, and Congress may take up a measure to tackle the problem.  The measure is being opposed by “The National Institute Of Average Looking Guys,” who say that if hot chicks don’t have chubby friends they’ll never get laid.

The U.N. released a statement that while worldwide hunger is down, it is still at an “unacceptable” level.  The release of the statement was delayed several hours while waiting for U.N. members to return from a three hour taxpayer funded lunch at Sardi’s.

Researchers are trying to track down more than 100 species of frogs that have gone missing.  Efforts are being concentrated in the place where most people who have gone missing are eventually found: Las Vegas.  OR  In a related story, Cirque De Soliel announced a new Las Vegas show called “Froggy Frog Jumpy Jumper.”

Two men in London earned 250,000 pounds through an “illegal sperm donor agency,” matching sperm donors with women trying to conceive.  The agency was called “Hooters.”  

Researchers say they have developed a new and better method of freezing human sperm for later use in pregnancy attempts.  The new method involves installing a plasma screen with XXX movies in the back of your home freezer.  Oh, and some Astroglide.

Over half of doctors surveyed said they’ve come to work while sick.  One doctor who wished to remain anonymous said “Hey, my coughing in their face isn’t half as dangerous to their health as their HMO.”  

Police in Amsterdam pulled a U.S. pilot from a plane for being too intoxicated.  Man, how hammered do you have to be for Amsterdam to say “Hey man, maybe you’ve had enough?”

*THREE BAD...PICKUP LINES*

Hey hot stuff, pull my finger

So how long can you hold your breath?

I’ll bet you a hummer I know everything there is to know about birdhouses

Daily Monologue Jokes 9/13

If you'd like to see more of me, send nude photos and I'll reciprocate (ladies only) (if guys do it I'll have you wacked...and not in the good way)  Or you could go to www.starspangledcomedy.com and pay me $1 million to perform at your birthday party.

A French fugitive was captured in Spain recently.  The fugitive originally vowed not to be taken alive, but the police began shouting threats in German accents and the man surrendered immediately.

Police in Florida recently reported an incident in which thirty shots were fired without one of them finding their mark.  Man, this LeBron James move to Miami isn’t starting well at all.  0-for-30?

A man in Newport Beach, California was arrested after attacking a Pelican that had tried to steal a fish he had caught.  Man, if every guy who “attacks the Pelican” is going to get arrested, Playboy will go out of business. 

Tiger Woods was eliminated from contention for this years Fedex Cup.  Woods is now free to pursue his reality show called “So You Want To Be A Porn Star.”

A top executive at Bing says that while Google Instant is fast, Bing is smarter.  He went on to say that while fat and bloated, Yahoo has a really great personality once you get to know her.

A new study says that termites can predict the impact of climate change.  It also says that if you call 1-900-WINNERS they have a fruit fly that predicts NFL games.

A Toyota plant in Australia is planning to build greener engines.  Also a few blue ones.

School officials in Pittsburgh are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly.  Parents are furious about the incident.  Students say they can’t wait for the next assembly. 

Cuba has announced they will lay off 500,000 state workers.  In a related story, real estate agents in Miami announced they have 500,000 apartment vacancies, no documents required.

A new report from “restroom spies” says 85% of people are washing their hands more often in public.  The study also says that 90% of women don’t like being spied on in public restrooms.  The other 10% had nooooo problems finding dates. OR  Of those, 5% are turned on by the fact that there are people spying on them in the restroom.  Of those, 95% are members of Congress.  OR The study results were released from prison, which is where most “restroom spies” end up.

Oprah Winfrey kicked off her final season by sending everyone in her audience on an eight day vacation to Australia.  In a related story, Oprah has given Rosie O’Donnell a TV show that will also last about eight days.

Iran has announced they will release a female hiker held for over a year on bail of $500,000.  Later, Spencer Pratt announced he would sell you pictures of her boobs for $50.

The video game “Super Mario Brothers” celebrates its twenty-fifth anniversary this year.  Fans of the game will celebrate by eating “magic’ mushrooms and smacking each other over the head with hammers.

A town in Armenia has produced the world largest ever chocolate bar.  A nearby town has produced the worlds largest ever jar of peanut butter.  Man, I sure hope those two don’t bump into each other.

Geneva, Switzerland has opened the first shelter for newly separated husbands.  Men who have seen their marriages dissolve come to the shelter and find all of the things they need to repair and rejuvenate their lives, including discount appetizers and well drinks,  flat screen TV’s with ESPN, and twenty-two year old girls that are hot, morally casual, and have a suppressed gag reflex.

A new study detailing the trials of living with Touret’s Syndrome was released today, saying that FUCK SHIT COCKSUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK!

*THREE BAD...MUSEUM EXHIBITS*

Stuff From The Gutter

Dads In Speedos

Poop Alive!